Rough Patches Are A Natural Part of Marriage. Don’t Ignore Them.

No personal relationships come without conflict, and this is especially true for marriages. When two people share a life, children, and responsibilities, disagreements are unavoidable. But they shouldn’t be dreaded: Arguments are healthy and avoiding them will lead to more contention down the line.

Beyond daily disagreements, every relationship, no matter how sturdy, faces a rough patch every now and then — a period of time when things just aren’t all sunshine and Maitais. It can be caused by a variety of issues, including money problems, issues with in-laws, and the general stress over raising the kids.

But what’s the difference between a rough patch and a deeper problem bubbling under the surface, and how do you know the difference?

Rough patches usually occur when something in the relationship is causing a disconnect. Either one or both of the partners are shutting down or purposely distancing themselves from one another. Rough patches are a failure to connect that ultimately lead to resentment.

Surviving a rough patch isn’t a daunting or insurmountable task, especially once you recognize the source of contention

“A rough patch has a beginning, middle, and ending,” notes relationship expert and best-selling author, Susan Winter. “A real marriage ‘issue’ never finds a conclusion and is never truly resolved.”

The easiest way to spot a disconnect or real issue is pinpoint exactly why two partners keep butting heads.

Patrick Wanis, PhD. a world-renowned human behavior expert, explains that the three most common reasons for a disconnection in a marriage are clashes in parenting styles, money problems, and intimacy issues.

“Knowing the difference between a rough patch and a real issue in the marriage should be obvious,” he says. “Sadly, being able to spot the bigger issues isn’t easy for some people.”

People often consciously choose not to speak their minds in an effort not to make a bad situation worse. They also decide to withhold specific information in an attempt to control the situation or get so wrapped up in the story they’re telling themselves inside their heads that they aren’t aware of what’s happening in real life.

So, it’s important to focus on how a partner honestly feels. To do this, Wanis suggests the simple exercise of putting yourself in your partner’s shoes to get to the root issue.

Simply ask yourself Why does my partner want things to be this way? and Why do they see it the way they do? After putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, Wanis says to ask yourself Is this something I’m willing to concede to or is this something I’m dead set against? If their wishes clash with your fundamental values, then it could be a much bigger problem.

“All relationships endure ups and downs. This is normal. Remembering that takes off some of the mental pressure and fear.”

Surviving a rough patch isn’t a daunting or insurmountable task, especially once you recognize the source of contention. Resolution happens by focusing on and fixing the biggest problem.

To weather the small squalls, both you and your spouse must be open and willing to put in the work and time required to improve the situation. In such situations, it’s the little things that make a big difference: Make them feel important with small gestures. Learn their love language. Send them messages to let them know they’re on your mind. Plan fun date nights. Tell them how much they mean to you.

When knee-deep in relationship quicksand, it’s crucial to keep repair top of mind. Focus on the commitment you’ve made to each other, even when your partner feels like the most annoying person on earth. If you want the issues resolved, continue making them the epicenter of your world by sharing information, soliciting their opinion, and focusing on their life.

Fighting with a partner isn’t a sign the relationship is doomed. If you never fight and never hash out your issues, those problems go unresolved and will inevitably pop up again in the not-so-distant future. Constructively dealing with conflicts helps couples gain a better understanding of your partner and arrive at a solution that works for the relationship.

“All relationships endure ups and downs,” Winter adds. “This is normal. Remembering that takes off some of the mental pressure and fear. Remember what worked last time when you got through a rough patch.”