How To Get Through The Day When You're Not Sleeping At Night

My newborn son did not sleep for longer than an hour at a time. Ever. This is something I tell people and they chuckle and shake their heads affectionately like “Oh boy do I remember” which sort of tells me they do not actually remember. But I always will: The deep, underwater fog that followed me everywhere. The disconnect I felt with the rest of the world, with reality, with myself. Forgetting my keys in restaurants, putting my clothes on inside out, getting lost on a road I had driven along a thousand times.

I felt like I was losing my mind at a time when I needed my wits about me more than ever. When an actual human being relied on me to keep him alive but also, wasn't this kind of all his fault? There were times I was worried that I would not survive this or worse, so much worse, that he would not survive. When I nodded off while I was nursing him and he nearly dropped to the floor or my hands shook from exhaustion and the tea I was drinking spilled on him. Cooled tea, but what if it hadn’t been?

Sleep deprivation is no joke.

Yes, sleep deprivation is part of life for many, if not most, new parents. Rumor and science tell us they sleep more than they’re awake, but true or not, in most cases it does not feel true. At all. They sleep, we know this for sure, but sometimes it’s like they only pick the times when we can’t sleep as a way of thumbing their adorable little noses at us. They sleep on the way to the car but not in the car or they sleep from 6:30 to 7:30 as a bit of a disco nap to help them party it up all night in their crib or during your mother’s visit so she can say “wow all this baby does is sleep.”

A recent survey conducted by UK-based charity The Lullaby Trust found that 59% of parents with babies under one year old admitted their little ones sleep for less than four hours at a time. Which, of course, means they might be getting a maximum of four hours of sleep at a time themselves. Not enough, not nearly enough, to thrive. And certainly not enough to work or cook food or be expected to take care of a fragile little human being.

What happens to the sleep-deprived body?

According to the Cleveland Clinic, your body needs sleep to help repair and recover from daily activities; conserve and store energy; and rest, reorganize, and catalog your brain. When your body is deprived of this sleep for even as little as an hour and a half less than you are used to, you can struggle with memory problems, cardiovascular issues, metabolic problems, and a real fun one for couples navigating this big, high-stakes life change together: moodiness. There’s also a higher risk of postpartum depression in sleep-deprived moms, as well as a greater risk of accidents as our reaction times suffer. And since it’s not like you can suddenly just tell your baby to go to sleep for eight-hour stretches, you need to find some ways to manage until your sleep schedule returns to normal.

Lean on your support system.

If you’re lucky, you have people around you who are already offering to help with the baby. If you’re smart, you’ll take them up on their offers. “Lean on your partner,” licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kanchi Wijesekera tells us. Pediatric sleep consultant and dad of four Chris Nosal agrees. “Set up a schedule and take turns,” Nosal recommends. “You and your partner are both in this together. If you like to stay up at night, maybe take the first shift until midnight.” When it’s your partner’s turn, just sleep. When it’s your turn, let your partner be completely off.

And of course, “enlist the help of family and friends.” Not just with tasks around the house like groceries, cooking, cleaning, and the rest, but to literally just sit in the house and stare at your baby so you can sleep. If you don’t have family or friends close by, I suggest researching baby groups in your area and, even if you’re not a joiner, join.

Talk to other new parents about your lack of sleep. Be vulnerable. Just talking about how tough it is always gave me a bit of a boost, and you never know. Those talks could potentially lead to a sleep-sharing system where parents can take turns staring at each other’s babies so they can sleep. Let’s start a movement here.

Drink water and move your body. For real.

“Drink water” is the most common advice in the world but it is, unfortunately, in this case very effective and also very true. Drinking enough water significantly improves our brain function and energy, helps prevent and treat headaches, and even maximizes physical performance. All things you’ll need help with after those sleepless nights.

Dr. Wijesekera also recommends getting in 10 minutes of stretching while your baby naps or taking a walk while they sleep in their stroller. I know this can feel counterintuitive because you’ll want to sleep while they sleep, but that brief window of walking in your neighborhood while listening to a podcast or, better yet, smiling coyly as everyone compliments you on your cute baby is a heck of a dopamine hit. And you’ll get to feel like part of the world, something that doesn’t come easily for new parents.

Make sleep a real priority.

Embrace the nap. I know there will be so many things you want to get done as soon as your hands are free — like say, eat or use the bathroom or take a much-needed shower — but make sure to keep napping on the list. Try to nap for 10 to 30 minutes, the ideal number for recharging, according to sleep specialists. Any longer and you could end up even groggier than when you started. Even if you just make an effort to lie down and rest without sleeping, you’ll end up feeling better as resting is known to improve your mood, relieve stress, and increase alertness.

Fake it ‘til you make it.

You may be tempted to pretend that, like your baby, you no longer know the difference between day and night, but your body and brain will thank you if you respect the difference between day and night when you can. It will also help your baby as they slowly grow their own circadian rhythm. Create as nice and as calm a sleep environment as you can at night, both for you and for your baby. Keep evenings quiet and cool and dark.

Babies start to develop their all-important circadian rhythm around eight weeks old, according to the National Library of Medicine, and this 24-hour cycle can be greatly affected by light filtering in.

Everything will be chaotic and nothing will feel the same as pre-baby, so why not consider new nighttime rituals like, I don’t know, lighting candles? Reading quietly together, even if it's your own books, out loud to them? Baths and lotions are beloved by grown ups and infants alike.

Listen to Nana.

Not for nothing, my grandmother gave me two great tips to get my baby to sleep: make sure his feet are warm and figure out his “tell.” According to my Nana, every baby has a little thing that helps them sleep. For one baby it might be running your fingers along the back of their neck. For another, it might be a special rock-and-tap motion. It takes time to find the tell, but it's sweet time, and once you find it, not only will sleep get a little bit easier, but you'll feel that much more confident about your new role as a parent, and the ways you know your one particular baby better than anyone else. It's hard to imagine at first but the more you get to know them (and the better you both sleep), the more you’ll fall deeper and deeper in love, maybe even becoming one of those people who forgets how hard it is and smiles sentimentally when the subject of newborns comes up.